Well I haven't posted in this blog for like a really long time but hey I guess this blog is like my new sanctuary for all my nonsense and rants and whatever I feel. But then again it's not like anyone is interested in reading out my pathetic life anyway. But whatever.

This feeling of numbness and shame currently washes over me like an overflowing jar of water.I feel so useless and that I'm a good-for-nothing person. For the record whoever is reading this right now... I'm a bisexual. I swing both ways. Well you get the juice of it.

I had a crush on my female friend, let's give her a name then. Hmmm... let's call her Jean (pronounced Jeh-ann). Soon that passing crush turned and blossomed into this feeling called love. A feeling which I thought i had long forgotten after the horrible break-up I has with my long-distance relationship with my Australian boyfriend named Jason. She was from France and she was 8 years older than me. I didn't mind the age gap and all. To me she meant everything and my happiness. I could be so comfortable and happy when I'm with her. But I was too ashamed to tell her how I truly felt about her, so I kept quiet about it.

Then along came John. He was a great friend of mine and a brother to me. I only had a crush on him though. Nothing much. But hey you never know what a crush could turn into right?

So with the advice from my brother, Jeremy. I kept an open mind and heart to things.

Until I opened my big mouth and confessed to Jean that I loved her. She rejected me nicely and said she didn't feel the same way and we should just be friends. Usually I'll take the rejection a something like "Okay! No big deal! I can always find another one!" but this rejection really hit me hard. The pain I felt with this rejection was EXACTLY the same as during the time my late boyfriend, Samuel got died in my arms and i couldn't do anything about it but just sit there and cry. That pain was unbearable and it was so painful to bear. I never wanted to feel this pain ever again. But this rejection triggered that familiar pain to come flooding back into me. Mixed emotions of sadness, pain and sorrow filled me as I stared at the computer screen.

I was rejected. But why was I feeling this immense pain in my chest as though someone just ripped my heart out and stabbed it conterminously without a hint of hesitation and mercy. Then at that moment my pain had also turned to fear. I felt my the tears welling up in my eyes, then slowly falling down my cheeks. I had never cried so much in my life. The pain was slowly eating me up from inside and I needed someone to take that pain away.

That was when John came online and said hi. Without thinking properly I confessed to him too that I liked him. It took him a while before he came back and told me he loved me too. At that moment I was so happy. I never thought of anything else except that I was happy. So we kicked off out relationship and started it off well.

I have been together with him for around a month now. But the special feeling just slowly began to die down. Then it hit me. I was only dating John because he was able to take that pain away and make me forget about it. My feeling for John was no more than a simple crush that had now died and disintegrated into thin air.

Now I feel so bad for just using John as my comfort blanket just to make the pain go away. I never really loved him from the start, I was just thinking I loved him when i didn't. All i ever wanted was to be loved back by her. In fact, I still haven't gotten over her. Even thought it hurts me so much that we can't be together, I just want her to be happy.

Right now the pain is coming back and soon it would slowly consume me from the inside like a disease or parasite.

Gods and Goddesses....

What have I done?

What am I supposed to do now?


Mood: Confused

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